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Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
- 2005 Tim Burton - Director and Bruce Berman - Producer
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  Anti-Spoiler Warning : Anti-Spoiler Warning. You have all seen "Spoiler" reviews, where a film reviewer says too much, and 'spoils' it. Well this is an Anti-Spoiler review. And I shall make sure that you are NOT put off by any previous advertising for CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. I shall make sure you are NOT put off by any simple-minded previews and trailers you may have viewed in theaters, or something derrogatory from other reviewers.
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Firstly, it is not, repeat, NOT true that Johnny Depp is the new White Michael Jackson. That is a vicious lie. Neither is it true that the Chocolate Factory is an allegory to, or for Michael Jackson's Neverland. There is no connection, or inference implied. None whatsoever. Point number two - it is NOT true that Johnny Depp was wearing Barry Manilow's false teeth while making CHARLIE. Despite the photo-identical likeness, this is another unfounded rumor, and/ or someone's sick sense of humor, or both. Why, they don't even have the same dentist, for krissakes. Lies, all. (They were actually the "Austin Powers" false teeth, but let's just keep that to ourselves.) Point number three - Johnny Depp is NOT seeking professional help to cure him of "Silly Little Hat Syndrome". And while we are at it, no, Johnny Depp is not just trying to hide a bald spot. Let's add a little fairness into this wicked stint of rumormongering - given enough time, Johnny Depp will eventually outgrow any need for "security in front of the camera" and will stop wearing funny little hats all on his own - he will mature into a real actor before you know it.
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Tim Burton, on the other hand, is not going to skate free of this, even though he was never in front of the camera. Tim Burton, director extraordinaire, mastermind of Beetlejuice, crafter of Big Fish, moulder of Mars Attacks, wizard of the subtly off-center, the hauntingly subliminal, the frighteningly humorous, where were you? What were you thinking? CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY is the sort of film that the only allowable excuse for you to be caught leaving the theater is if you have a couple of small children in tow - and only if they are very heavily sedated, at that - (no other small children should ever be allowed into a theater. Ever.)
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LEAST
Enduring Line or Phrase: "Life had never been sweeter."
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